I actually can’t put words to it, even to give you juicy details to laugh about. I am a veteran of fifteen years of intense self-enquiry…and twenty-five pages of fiction just left me flummoxed. I’m not sure what to say, except that I have discovered a potent and terrifying new tool, one I am rather afraid to use.
Novelist Shawn Klomperans recently said, “Writing a book shouldn’t be therapeutic; you should need therapy after writing one.”
I read that on Twitter a few weeks ago and while I thought it was funny, I didn’t get it.
After this week though, I get it.
Needless to say, I’ve been avoiding writing the novel. It’s now linked in my mind with Things I’d Rather Not Think About. It made me sick all last week, complete with fever! However, with only ten more days to go, I’ve decided to confront my demons head on and keep writing, despite a 16K word deficit. Onward! Upward! And I will run for cover if need be.
Also, be forewarned, there’s no way I’m ever going to let anyone read the damn thing.
I’ve got the shakes. My sense of ease is tightening up. My mouth moves but I wonder what if anything will come out. The simple act of communication I take so for granted has become an issue in its own right, something to Pay Attention To. The thinking about it, the wondering, the…inevitable…pause…and then the fear and panic that nothing will come…at first it does, but I keep wondering and then it starts not to. And then there’s headache that will not go away. All this is happening because I put myself on a sharp deadline to do something I do not know how to do, and to do it quickly.
[Cue dramatic NaNoWriMo music. Ok, I do own the same slippers, but the similarities end there. I swear. Damn, she kind of looks like me…]
Yeah, so about that novel I’m writing? Turns out I am stuck because I don’t, ahem, actually knowhow to write a novel. And every day I falter, my word deficit grows exponentially. Knowing this has put me into an underground river of panic. I’m pretty sure riding that won’t get me anywhere I particularly want to go, so I’ve decided to press pause and examine the raft I’m sitting in for clues on how to get out.
First, I’ve noticed (surprisingly) that it isn’t the deadline that is freaking me out. I work with deadlines all the time. I’m not fond of them, and I usually prefer not to be rushed, but I do some of my best work on short notice. I’ve found it can spark my creativity to just have to wing it. So if not the deadline, what’s the issue?
Well, having no idea what to do to meet it! Yeah, that’s a problem. I’m paralyzed on the raft because I don’t know how to swim.
Usually I am busy formulating some plan, a master scheme if you will, of how I am going to accomplish the task du jour. I think, I ponder, I daydream, I muddle, and before you know it I’ve got a hold of some essential direction that is real and vibrant. Once I have that, the rest is just filling in the details with the execution. (In chess, you’d say this is the difference between strategy and tactics.) I am a big picture thinker, so once I can see the whole of it, I’ve got it. This is the equivalent of seeing a large branch downstream, thinking “Aha!” and plotting how to grab it and lift myself out. It’s then easy to gauge whether or not it will hold me, how and when to reach for it, and make sure I’m not strapped into the boat before I do. No problem!
The current state of affairs with the novel, however, is more like me sitting backwards in the boat trying to read a book on perfecting my crawl stroke only to get hit in the head with that branch. No wonder my head hurts.
I actually started writing. This is frickin’ fantastic.
This past week I decided to “write a novel” as part of the National Novel Writing Month, aka NaNoWriMo. It was kind of a joke. A lark. A ‘what the hell’ kind of proposition. And now here I am writing the darn thing. I wrote 2104 words last night. I am pretty perplexed and awed by this. I am used to writing short fiction–really short, like poetry. I really didn’t think this was possible.
So now here we are. I have discovered that my need for structure lends itself to mystery novels. Apparently I like starting with atmospheres in the form of locations. (Years ago I dreamed of travel writing…is this why?) My intrepid journaling over the past 15 years has developed into a sophisticated form of introspection and psychological awareness that I can adapt into first person narrative. My obsessive, insatiable need to research topics for years will now have a respectable home, instead of squatting indefinitely in my head and taking up prime real estate. After years of banging my head against the wall and wondering ‘why, how, huh?’ about something until I crack the stubborn nut, I can finally explain to people why I stare off into space all the time. In metaphor! Through dialogue! I am starting to suspect the complex world of fiction is the perfect vehicle for sharing the nuance of what I’ve learned.
Some of the questions I’ve asked myself over the years include:
– How is it possible that a woman with a PhD in nanotechnology would leave her fantastic corporate research position to live on a houseboat and become…an astrologer? [That was a real head scratcher, but now I know.]
– If a forged artwork is close enough to the original that no one can tell for sure if it is fake, does it actually matter? And why? [I would say yes.]
-What’s the deal with free jazz? Why would anyone listen to it, never mind be passionate about it? [I’m still working on this one, though I did make some small headway.]
– How on earth do people write long fiction such as novels? [Apparently they just start actually writing them. Who knew?] Where do the characters come from? Just how real are they to the authors? What does it feel like to live in that head space all the time? Is the process really any different from spiritual folk who create personal relationships with their deities?
I’ve never understood the urge to Write the Great American Novel. It just seems like an awful lot of work to put toward inevitable mediocrity. I do however understand the urge to get free software. So I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo, aka National Novel Writing Month, to be eligible for a (half) free copy of Scrivener‘s novel writing software. Which I can then use…to write a novel? Hmm, I’ve got plot holes before I’ve even started. Only 50,000 words to go.
As of last night’s kickoff at the elegant St. Julien Hotel, I had barely settled on a genre, and spent the time doodling in front of the fire trying to come up with ideas. My friend Mike (aka Mikepedia, so called because he has read everything published before 1900) managed to write a remarkably gripping opening scene reminiscent of Nick Hornby writing as Snoop Dogg. Chloe, our 13 year old muse, scribbled pages of vampire character studies. She was the only one to get the memo, so she had the right novel-writing glasses on, along with most of the 25+ participants. (Say hello to the team at NaNoWriMo who are making this madness happen: Opening NaNoWriMo Video)
So far this morning I have managed to write a synopsis, which to be honest, I am impressed with, if only because I didn’t have a single clue as to what to do a few hours before.
A murder takes place during Boulder’s Halloween Naked Pumpkin Run, and a real life witch solves the crime. The small city is a hot spot for New Age spiritual seekers of all stripes (and sports), and ultimately our heroine must decide who is for real–and who is not! Blending a Neo-pagan worldview with a careful interplay of detective’s logic and witch’s intuition, this book explores the world of New Age and Wiccan politics in a world of competitive athletes, entrepreneurs and de rigueur costume parties, all in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains.
Wish us luck! I clearly need it. And why aren’t you writing your own? Get on it! Only 1,667 words a day!
I am a commercial freelance writer/editor, creativity coach and artist living in Boulder, Colorado. The pivotal intersection of my passions are art, spirituality and healing, but my work takes me in many interesting directions. I'd love to talk to you about any projects you are working on. My 'About' and 'Writing/Editing' pages will tell you a bit more, in case the obvious tends to elude you. If it does, great! You probably have an unusual perspective and I will surely enjoy our conversation.
Mysterious Artemis 